I've been meaning to post this one for a while.. It was actually a holiday homework given by a teacher (in 2009); she wanted us to write a composition about 'the unwanted gift'. So here it is (I edited it a bit) :
The Unwanted Gift
Continuous images kept flashing in front of me as if they were a film that was projected onto my retina. Slow dancing, adventurous climbs, humorous parody and those great ones I vaguely remembered appeared right here like they have been waiting to be reminisced. My sad memories weren’t worth keeping forever so I was shredding them to pieces now hoping it would flip my world to a happier place. However, this particular piece just wouldn’t go or even fade when I had already tried my hardest.
That familiar sound of a car engine stopped abruptly after I finished adorning myself with some cheap jewellery I had in my jewellery box. I know this wouldn’t appeal to him but I minded my image when I was with this man. I descended the staircase and found him waiting behind the glass doors looking charming as always. Despite that, my inner voice told me everything was wrong from the face he wore today; perhaps my clairsentience had tried to tell me everything through all the empty and sickening feeling I had felt since days before today.
I didn’t have to wait and open that door for him for he had his hand already on the door knob and he pushed it hard like he was going to break the door rather than opening it slowly for me. All these time, he had restrained it and I had seen him struggling from his look. Now, however, all was written there: anger, tired, bored, distressed, lost and even a guilty happiness that I knew not the cause. I only knew that it wasn’t from me and all the negative feelings, somehow, were.
He advanced to me and each of his steps was heavy and reluctant.
“Is anything funny about how I look?” I joked, hoping to stir a whole new joyful feeling like I had always done when I felt some minuses from Joel. His face was expressionless but I faked a smile anyway. “Okay, be honest. Is the blouse traditional?” Still, a word didn’t creep from his mouth.
Finally, after about a quarter of an hour, he spoke. I thought he didn’t blink for that amount of time. “I had to leave you now and I’m leaving for good.”
Surprisingly, I wasn’t surprised. This situation triggered the arousal of that little courage buried in me and all that was unspoken tried to escape through my now tight lips that were lined straight. Everything I had muted all these times, they were ready to burst out now. I felt like letting out a string of profanities but that wouldn’t do any good. I took fairly a deep breath hoping to calm the nerves.
Once I had smelled a woman’s perfume on his jacket and he had tried to defuse it by smoking cigarette. It had made me cry for almost a fortnight with him questioning my bulging eyelids. Twice I caught him sniffing glue and I simply backed off as if I hadn’t seen the illegal act. Thrice he was seen drunk on the highways by a neighbour. I had fallen on the floor several times, beaten.
It had happened for five years straight but I didn’t even bother to give him some ticking-off. Maybe it was my fault too not to mind his dreadful attitude and loving him still for who he was. Maybe I was simply dedicated to care for Joel and he took it for granted. Now, however, the little courage awakened my determined self.
“Go ahead. I’m okay with every choice you make.” That startled me. I didn’t know I would sound so calm despite the anger that was creeping on me. Perhaps the power of my devotion controlled every movement and word here. “Let me just choke you with this ring!” my loudest evil thought amplified in my head but I just don’t know how to sound bad and angry.
His face was red as he shouted “why can’t you just be angry at me? Be angry at all! I’m such a bad husband and you don’t even care! You just love me. It’s sickening me to death.”
I just smiled again. No words wanted to escape from me so I kept my face composed for a little while. Maybe it really did annoy him that he walked away and slammed the door. Finally, there it struck me; I fainted and hit the floor.
Perhaps that was the last time I had ever talked to Joel. I didn’t get the chance to really throw the wedding ring to his face and, well, I just kept it as his unwanted gift. It would be the most unwanted and unforgettable gift I possessed. So I had his worthless gift and he had mine, though faint: my love.
N Wafaa Atiqah
